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chainj2 (Scripture jokes) *

Jokes, scripture jokes and LDS hymn jokes  (J2,B1)


Old Testament
  • Genesis 1:1  (B1)    Baseball in the Bible?  In the ‘big inning’
  • Genesis 2:21  (B4)   God is an anesthesiologist?  He caused a ‘deep sleep’
  • Genesis 2:22  (B4)   God is a magician?  He turned a rib into a loud-speaker
  • Genesis 3:6   (B5)   Phone number of the Garden of Eden?  ADAM 8 1 2
  • Genesis 6:10  (B10)  Funniest man in Bible? Noah’s 2nd son – he was a real Ham
  • Genesis 24:64  (B36)   Smoking in the Bible?  Rebekah lit off a Camel
  • Leviticus 2:13-16   (B147)   Salted popcorn in the Bible?  Yes, indeed!
  • Numbers 11:28   (B212)  A man with no parents?  Joshua was the son of Nun (none)
  • Numbers 22:28   (B230)   A talking donkey?  It is true.
  • Deuteronomy 3:10  (B257)   A huge bed?
  • Joshua 1:1  (B308)  A man with no parents?  Joshua, son of none (Nun)
  • Joshua 6:5  (B315) Dodge truck in Bible?  Long blast of the Ram’s horn
  • 2 Samuel 22:37  (B459)   David had big feet?  Enlarged my steps under me
  • 1 Kings 8:14  (B477)   The stretchiest man in the Bible?
  • 2 Kings 2:23-24  (B509)  A wild bear attack?
  • 2 Kings 7:7 & 10   (B517)   The stretchiest man in the Bible?  
  • 2 Chronicles 34:22  (B630)   University students in the Bible?  Dwelt in the college
  • Ezra 9:3  (B645)   Dear John answer, also hair waxing in antiquity?
  • Nehemiah 9:21  (B660)   You don’t need new clothing!  They can last 40 years!
  • Esther 8:15  (B676)   Mordecai was obviously a BYU Cougar fan!  Royal blue & white!
  • Job 8:1  (B685)   The shortest man in the Bible?  Shuhite (shoe-height)!
  • Psalms 83:15  (B769)   The Lord owns two cars?  A Pontiac and a Geo?
  • Psalms 109:8   (B787)  My sincere prayer for Barack Insane Obama!
  • Psalms 119:103  (B796)   Sweeter than !
  • Proverbs 7:9  (B817)   Batman in the Bible?  The dark knight (night) !
  • Proverbs 16:31  (B828)   Gray hair is glorious!
  • Proverbs 20:29  (B833)   Gray hair is glorious!
  • Proverbs 25:25  (B838)   Letters from home are wonderful!
  • Proverbs 27:14  (B840)   Nothing worse than a loud voice in the morning!
  • Proverbs 28:25  (B842)   Obesity condoned and desirable
  • Ecclesiastes 10:19   (B855)   Money talks!
  • Ecclesiastes 12:12  (B856)   Don’t study too much!  Favorite verse of lazy students!
  • Isaiah 5:8  (B867)   Beware, owners of condominiums and townhomes
  • Isaiah 5:10  (B867)  Baseball in the Bible?  Yes, it talks about ‘homers’
  • Isaiah 5:12  (B867)   God is a surgeon?  The operation of his hands.
  • Isaiah 6:4  (B869)  They had to deal with second-hand smoke in the Bible?
  • Isaiah 6:5  (B869)   I am undone!
  • Isaiah 7:20  (B870)   Hobbits in the Bible?  Hairy feet!
  • Isaiah 20:2-5  (B885)   Three-year nude stint?
  • Isaiah 28:20  (B894)   Old Testament beds were way too small!
  • Isaiah 37:36  (B906)   They were all dead corpses!  What other type of corpse is there?
  • Isaiah 52:2  (B924)   The Lord is a cheerleader?  Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!
  • Isaiah 56:10-11  (B929)   Jehovah’s Witnesses
  • Isaiah 57:4  (B929)   French kissing in the Bible?
  • Jeremiah 10:3-4   (B956)   Here is the first mention of Christmas trees in the Bible
  • Jeremiah 32:37  (B988)   Cars in the Bible?
  • Lamentations 5:18  (B1026)   Sisters are foxy (foxes)!
  • Hosea 7:9  (B1127)   Grecian Formula was apparently used in Old Testament times
  • Nahum 3:8  (B1158)   Can you name Upper Egypt’s capitol?  No!  Correct!  B.D p. 738
  • Nahum 3:19  (B1159)   Hear a bruit?  Wow!  Good diagnosticians!
  • Zechariah 2:6  (B1169)   Santa Claus in the scriptures!
  • Zechariah 5:1  (B1171)   Food fight!
New Testament
  • Matthew 5:16   (B1193)   A Halloween verse in the New Testament?  This verse mentions ‘…witches in heaven…’
  • Matthew 7:6  (B1197)   Pearls and swine
  • Matthew 15:20   (B1214)   Are you kids tired of having to wash your hands before dinner?  Read this verse to your parents and your woes are over!
  • Matthew 25:21   (B1232)   How does the Lord like his steaks prepared?  Apparently ‘well done’ !  Check out this verse.
  • Mark 13:37  (B1265)   Jesus was infatuated with wrist timepieces?
  • Luke 2:16  (B1275)   A very crowded manger, with three people in it!
  • Luke 8:19  (B1289)   News reporters in the New Testament?
  • Luke 19:3  (B1311)   News reporters in the New Testament!
  • Luke 24:42  (B1324)   Jesus’ favorite breakfast cereal?
  • John 14:27  (B1353)   Jesus was a gardener?  My peas I leave with you…   Also, lettuce pray, spiritual beans (beings), do you carrot all, reap His corn (scorn).
  • Acts 10:1  (B1382)   Orchestras in the Bible?
  • Acts 19:8   (B1399)   A sermon that lasted for three months??
  • Acts 19:9  (B1399)  Baby dinosaurs in the New Testament?  Also, a school with only one student?
  • Acts 27:43-44  (B1413)   Paul was a surfer!
  • 1 Corinthians 14:34-35  (B1456)   Women to keep silent in the church
  • 2 Corinthians 6:11  (B1465)  Cardiomegaly mentioned in the Bible??
  • 2 Corinthians 10:9-10  (B1469)   Write letters to me!
  • 2 Corinthians 13:12  (B1473)   Holy kisses!
  • Galatians 6:11  (B1480)   Long letters!
  • Ephesians 2:20  (B1482)   The Lord is an American Indian?
  • Colossians 2:21-22  (B1496)   How elders can respond to their companion’s bad cooking
  • 1 Thessalonians 2:17  (B1500)   I want to see you!
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:6  (B1501)  The Lord is an Avenger, a Super Hero !?
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:26  (B1503)   Holy kisses
  • 1 Timothy 3:8  (B1508)    Forked tongues mentioned in the Bible?
  • 1 Timothy 3:14  (B1508)   I am writing now but coming soon!
  • 1 Timothy 5:1  (B1510)   Rebuke not an elder!
  • 2 Timothy 1:4  (B1512)   I desire to see you!
  • Philemon 1:21  (B1520)   I have great confidence in you!
  • Hebrews 11:27  (B1534)  The Invisible Man in the scriptures?
  • Hebrews 11:34  (B1534)  Aliens in the New Testament?
  • 1 Peter 3:20  (B1548)  Scriptural definition of a “few”
  • 2 Peter 3:14  (B1554)   No dogs allowed!
  • 2 John 1:12  (B1562)   I would rather see you than write to you
  • 3 John 1:13-14  (B1563)   I would rather see you than write to you
  • Revelation 10:10  (B1575)  What did the Kiwi beekeeper name his honey business?
Book of Mormon
  • 1 Nephi 2:22  (M5)   Nephi was turned into a straightedge?  (Ruler)
  • 1 Nephi 4:20  (M9)   Nephi was a ventriloquist?
  • 1 Nephi 5:8  (M10)   Lehi had a pet insect?  Take your family and flea into the wilderness
  • 1 Nephi 10:19  (M19)   God is a golfer?
  • 1 Nephi 17:53  (M41)  Who had the most electrifying personality in the Book of Mormon?
  • 1 Nephi 19:20  (M46)   A bad batch of marijuana?
  • 1 Nephi 22:3  (M50)  Dr. Seuss in the BOM?  Thing 1, Thing 2, Thing 3 (Cat in the Hat)
  • 2 Nephi 2:11  (M58)   Jane Austen stole the title for her novel from the Book of Mormon?
  • 2 Nephi 9:39  (M76)   S M I L E !  Spiritual mindedness is life eternal!
  • 2 Nephi 9:44  (M76)   Disrobing in public ??
  • 2 Nephi 9:51  (M77)   Obesity condoned ?
  • 2 Nephi 12:2  (M81)   U T A H, mountain of the Lord’s house
  • 2 Nephi 13:18-20  (M83)   The Lord will confiscate Ipad’s from the unrighteous?
  • 2 Nephi 15:8  (M84)   Condominium and townhome owners, beware!
  • 2 Nephi 15:12  (M84)   God is a surgeon!
  • 2 Nephi 16:1  (M86)   The Lord is an engineer?
  • 2 Nephi 19:7  (M89)   An excellent description of the U.S. congress
  • 2 Nephi 20:16   (M91)   A discussion of “fatness” in the eyes of the Lord
  • 2 Nephi 21:4   (M92)   A case of halitosis?
  • 2 Nephi 26:24  (M103)   The Lord is an excellent portrait artist!
  • 2 Nephi 27:13  (M105)  Scriptural definition of a “few”
  • 2 Nephi 28:15  (M108)   Name of God’s horse?  ‘Be unto them’  (Whoa, be unto them)
  • Enos 1:20  (M137)   Good reason not to go camping!
  • Mosiah 2:28  (M149)   King Benjamin was either a great bass, baritone, or tenor!
  • Mosiah 2:30  (M150)   Stage fright?  Great introduction to a talk.
  • Mosiah 6:5  (M159)   A three-year old king?
  • Mosiah 11:8-10  (M168)   King Noah had an “edifice” complex (Oedipus)
  • Mosiah 18:16  (M182)   About 204 souls?  So was it 203 or 205?
  • Mosiah 18:21  (M182)  Cyclops in the Book of Mormon
  • Mosiah 18:21  (M182)   A giant knitting group in the Book of Mormon?
  • Mosiah 18:30  (M183)   Six ‘Mormons’ in 18:30 (the year 1830) on page 183!
  • Mosiah 18:32  (M183)   The king discovered a ‘movement’ among the people?  Yuck!
  • Mosiah 19:2  (M183)   The Nephites were really into their mathematics!
  • Mosiah 20:24-26  (M186)   A large group of men who had lost their upper extremities!
  • Mosiah 25:15  (M195)   Alma spoke to a group of giants, and he had a split personality
  • Mosiah 25:21  (M196)   More dual personalities
  • Mosiah 27:6  (M199)   Little tiny villages in BOM times?  They were built ‘in a quarter’.
  • Mosiah 27:7  (M199)   More giants or obese people in Book of Mormon
  • Alma 2:24  (M212)   The native homeland of the Minions is mentioned in the BOM ?
  • Alma 3:1  (M213)   The Nephites were once again really into mathematics!  (Numbers!)
  • Alma 6:5  (M223)   LDS members are ‘conservative’ ?  Perhaps not.
  • Alma 8:21-22  (M228)   Alma was a vegetarian and was on a high-carb diet!
  • Alma 10:6   (M232)   July the Fourth is mentioned in the Book of Mormon?  Check it out!
  • Alma 15:17  (M247)   Alma was well paid for his services!
  • Alma 15:17  (M247)   Ice hockey in the Book of Mormon?  Yes, indeed!
  • Alma 17:37-38  (M253)   Slot machines in the BOM?  Here are one-armed bandits!
  • Alma 17:37-38  (M253)   Who is the most disarming personality in the BOM?  Ammon!
  • Alma 19:2  (M256)   Alma was a celebrity!
  • Alma 19:17  (M257)   The Book of Mormon was a movie or play??
  • Alma 30:60  (M285)   Drag racing in the Book of Mormon?  He doth speedily drag them..
  • Alma 32:28  (M290)   Aspects of the seed spell out the word “seed”
  • Alma 36:21  (M299)   ‘Sweet as’ in the Book of Mormon
  • Alma 37:8  (M300)   A little ‘brass’ in your diet will improve your memory!
  • Alma 37:12  (M301)   God enjoys a round of golf occasionally
  • Alma 49:27  (M332)   Vampires in the Book of Mormon?
  • Alma 52:31  (M341)   Long months in the Book of Mormon?
  • Alma 56:30-33   (M349)   What date is mentioned the most in the Book of Mormon?  March fourth!
  • Alma 56:50  (M351)   Another long month in the Book of Mormon
  • Alma 58:1  (M354)   Very tiny orchestras that weren’t very popular in the BOM?
  • Alma 60:6  (M358)   Good verse to send if no one is writing to you on your mission
  • Helaman 1:12  (M369)   Kishkumen was an orchestra leader?
  • Helaman 1:24  (M370)   Pygmies in the Book of Mormon!
  • Helaman 2:4  (M371)   Apparently Gadianton was a musician also (band leader!)
  • Helaman 6:8  (M381)   Susan likened this scripture to herself!  See also 6:13
  • Helaman 6:37  (M384)   Elastics in the Book of Mormon?
  • Helaman 7:25, 27  (M386)   The name of Nephi’s horse must be ‘be unto you’
  • 3 Nephi 2:13  (M410)   y y y !
  • 3 Nephi 3:3  (M411)   Gymnastics in the BOM?
  • 3 Nephi 17:16   (M441)  Is it okay to have your eyes open during a prayer?  Apparently in this situation!
  • 3 Nephi 20:37  (M449)   The Lord can’t make up His mind?  Stand up, no, sit down!
  • 4 Nephi 1:6  (M465)   Great verse to use in a letter as a mission ends
  • 4 Nephi 1:17  (M466)   There were no termites in the Book of Mormon
  • Mormon 7:7  (M480)   Join in your ward choirs now to prepare for the future!
  • Ether 1  (M487)   Anesthetics in the Book of Mormon?
  • Ether 1:38  (M489)   Cars in the Book of Mormon (drive us)
  • Ether 1:38  (M489)   Three groups brought to the America before the Jaredites? (forth)
  • Ether 2:5  (M489)   Star Trek in the Book of Mormon?
  • Ether 2:13-14  (M490)   Forgot to pray while camping on the beach!
  • Ether 13:14  (M513)   Very small man!  He dwelt in a cavity!
  • Ether 15:20  (M517)   Trouble sleeping at night?  How about these men!  Ouch!
  • Moroni 7:26, 31  (M523)   As surely as Christ lives, bear testimony of Him!
  • Moroni 10:33  (M531)   No dogs allowed as we perfect ourselves in Christ
Doctrine and Covenants
  • D&C 45:62  (D84)   Great things await you!
  • D&C 52:14  (D96)   Satan is a woman ?
  • D&C 62:7  (D114)   The Lord encourages equestrian sports?
  • D&C 81:5  (D150)   Favorite verse of grandfather clock repairmen
  • D&C 81:5  (D150)   Orthopedic surgeons’ favorite scripture
  • D&C 84:80  (D158)   Favorite scripture of bald elders!
  • D&C 85:3  (D162)   The payment of tithes is fire insurance
  • D&C 88:95  (D171)   There shall be no women present at the Second Coming !
  • D&C 90:15  (D178)   French kissing condoned ?
  • D&C 90: 25  (D178)   We are commanded to have small families
  • D&C 130:12   (D265)   The Coming of the Son of Man will be in South Carolina?  Read carefully!
Pearl of Great Price
  • Moses 1:4  (P1)   The Lord is a woman ?
  • Moses 1:14   (P2)   Satan’s name is actually Shirley, but with an unusual spelling??
  • Moses 6:38  (P17)   A wild man hath come among us!
Miscellaneous scripture jokes

The most constipated men in the Bible:

  • Cain, because he wasn’t able (Abel)
  • Noah, because he went 40 days without passing anything
  • Moses, because he took 2 tablets and went into the wilderness
  • David, because no power on earth could move him
  • Solomon, because he was on the throne for 40 years

 

The most constipated group of people in the Bible:

  • The children of Israel, because Pharaoh would not let them go
More miscellaneous jokes
  • The greatest financier in the Bible?  Pharaoh’s daughter.  She found a little prophet (profit) by a rush on the bank.
  • The first electronic device in the Bible?  The Lord created the first ‘loud speaker’ from Adam’s rib.
  • If Methuselah was the oldest man in the Bible (Genesis 5:27), then how is it that he died before his father?  Enoch was taken into heaven without ever tasting death (Moses 7:69 and Moses 8:1-2).
  • Elder David Thomson tells of having a bad day.  He opened his scriptures to find solace. He read that Judas hung himself.  Not gaining much peace from that verse, he flipped the pages again and read, “Go thou and do likewise.”  Very disheartened now, he tried flipping pages one more time.  He read, “That which thou doest, do it quickly.”  (John 13:27)

 

Hymn jokes:
  • Favorite hymn of LDS dentists?  Hymn # 166 — “change and decay in all around I see…”
  • Hymn you should sing to a group of sweaty missionaries?  Hymn # 140 — “Did you air the room you left this morning?”
  • Favorite hymn of the LDS congregation that had a chorister named Hope that was very pregnant and soon to deliver her baby?  Hymn # 19 — “..there is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is nigh…”
  • Favorite hymn of LDS laundry workers”  Hymn # 243 — “Let us all press on”
  • Favorite hymn of LDS educators?  Hymn # 336 — “School Thy Feelings”
  • Favorite hymn of LDS seamstresses?  Hymn # 216 — “We Are Sewing”

 

Listed under ‘Jokes, scripture’ and under ‘Scriptures jokes’


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