talksparenting1 ( ** )

Sacrament Meeting talk – Grandview 19^th Ward – April 24, 2005

My wonderful friends and ward members, a few of you need to hear the message I am about to deliver.  The spirit has told me that, and the spirit has also prompted me regarding what I should share.  How I pray that those who need to hear this message will heed it, and that the rest of you might derive some benefit as well.

The day I had been waiting for for several weeks had finally arrived.  My family was going to my favorite place on earth, Crystal Peak campground.  I was nine years old at the time and Crystal peak was my personal Garden of Eden.  Crystal Peak was a secluded campground nestled in tall pines in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains not far from my hometown of Reno, Nevada.  The Truckee River meandered through the campground, running slow, cold, and clear.  Crawdads flourished in the cold water and I loved to turn over rocks in the shallow water near the banks of the river and capture these miniature lobsters.  I also loved Crystal Peak because I knew I would have my dad to myself.  My only siblings were three only sisters, and they had no interest in catching crawdads, playing catch, skipping rocks or other manly pursuits that my dad and I would share together.

Before we could leave for this paradise, however, one large miserable task awaited completion.  I had to practice that childhood torture device, the piano, for 30 minutes.  My mother oversaw my practice time, and I knew there was to be no reprieve even on this long-awaited special day.  My mother kept an egg timer on our piano by which I measured my practice time.  I begrudgingly set the time for 30 minutes and started my practicing, thinking little about quarter notes or treble clefs and much about crawdads and baseballs.

After 25 minutes of practice, I could endure the torture no longer.  I grabbed the timer and moved it ahead for those final 5 minutes, causing the bell to sound and marking the premature end of my practice time.  I bounded away from the piano and proudly marched into the kitchen, announcing that I had completed my practicing and was ready to head to Crystal Peak.  My mother cast a sideways glances at her oven, and then asked me if I had completed 30 minutes of practicing.  Not being smart enough to realize what that sideways glance meant, I swallowed hard and answered, “Yes.”  It had never occurred to me that during all my years of piano practicing, my mother had been monitoring my practice times with her own timer on the oven in the kitchen.  My own sideways glance showed 5 minutes remaining on the oven timer.  I was dead in the water.

My parents held a brief conference, a short sermon on honesty was delivered, and I was told that I would not be going to Crystal Peak due to my dishonesty and disobedience.  Instead, I would be staying home with my mother who felt it was more important for her son to learn a valuable lesson than for her to enjoy a wonderful outing with her family.

I couldn’t believe my ears.  Surely my mother wouldn’t inflict such harsh punishment upon me.  I plead for mercy, for forgiveness.  I offered to practice my final 5 minutes; I promised to practice longer time periods during the next week.  I begged for another chance.  My pleading went unheeded.  My despair knew no bounds as I watched my sisters and my father pull out of the driveway, headed for Crystal Peak.  My anguish was compounded as I noticed the smirks pasted on my sisters’ faces, and the forlorn look on my dad’s face.

My mother pulled out her ironing board and began to iron clothing.  I sat under the ironing board, whining and moaning and whimpering.  My very patient mother went about her ironing, taking several opportunities to reinforce verbally the lesson I was learning emotionally.  Honesty took on a whole new meaning and importance on that important day in my young life.

With that story as a backdrop, I could easily share thoughts about honesty or obedience, but I would rather have you consider another principle to be learned from this true story.  The following questions will introduce my topic:

• How and where did my mother gain the insight and the wisdom to make such a difficult decision to teach her son such a poignant lesson?
• Why didn’t my father intervene on my behalf, convincing my mother that my sin was not so great that I should have to forfeit a wonderful outing?
• How blessed was I to have a mother that cared more about the character of her children than about her own immediate, personal desires?
• How blessed was I to have a father who, many years before this story, had made incredible sacrifices to gain an education and to pursue and succeed in a challenging occupation, thus enabling my mother to be a ‘stay-at-home’ mother, where egg timers and piano lessons and character building and parental nurturing were hourly experiences in my life and the lives of my sisters?

My topic today, my wonderful friends?  Prepare NOW to be the type of parent the Lord wants and expects us all to be.  Develop and foster NOW the spiritual and emotional characteristics that will serve you well in the coming years of marriage and parenthood.  Let me return to the story to reinforce these points.

• When my mother was confronted with this unexpected dilemma, she didn’t need to draw up a detailed strategy flow sheet or consult a parenting manual or even wring her hands in frustration. In a very appropriate and controlled way, her years of living the gospel and following the Savior allowed her to make a very proper and meaningful decision.  No voice was raised, no physical punishment meted out, no frantic measures taken.  Some would argue that any parent would have done the same or a similar thing.  I would disagree.  The parent speaking to you right now, confronted with a similar situation, would have handled it very differently and probably very incorrectly.
• I am convinced that the years my mother spent at the knee of her loving mother, the countless lessons she heard in Sunday School and Sacrament meeting, the innumerable prayers she offered and received answers to over the years all played a part in this experience with me.  In short, her ability to handle this situation and countless others like it was shaped years before by the development of Christ-like attributes in her teen-aged and young adult years.
• I pay tribute to my father for not intervening. I have tried to appreciate how hard it was for him to get in the car and drive away with me crying on the back porch.  He loved my sisters of course, but I was his only son.  Crawdads awaited the two of us.  All this anguish over 5 minutes of practice time?  But my dad had the maturity to see beyond the 5 minutes and see the principle to be taught because of those 5 minutes.   That maturity and depth of love was developed over years of devoted service to the Savior, during his years of service as full-time missionary at a time when few young men chose to serve missions.  Like my mother, his ability as a parent developed during his teen-aged and young adult years.

I feel strongly that most successful parents prepare to be successful parents before they are married.  They purposely go about developing and seeking after those characteristics and traits, both spiritual and emotional, which will bless their lives and the lives of their future children.  What are those skills after which we should seek?  There is no better parenting manual in the entire world than D&C 121.  As I list some of the traits enumerated in this beautiful section, we should ask ourselves if we are in possession of most of these traits or if we are earnestly striving to acquire these traits.

• “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by patience, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love-unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile- ”

Would you permit me to use my mother as an example of someone who possessed and used these god-given traits during this experience?

• Patience – anyone who has listened to a 9-year old complain incessantly will appreciate how patient my mother was. Her reaction could have been so very different.
• Long-suffering – not only did she suffer for a LONG time as I sat under her ironing board, but she used that long period of time to teach principles and concepts. Long-suffering is more than just enduring in silence.
• Gentleness – no ranting, no scolding, no chastising. She allowed the consequences of my poor decision to speak for itself.  She was in complete control of her emotions.  She had obviously prayed for and received that “pure love of Christ”, as we are all admonished to do by Moroni.
• Meekness – both she and my father acted as Christ would have acted, meekly yet decidedly.
• We have already touched on love-unfeigned and kindness.
• Pure knowledge – this is a phrase I would have you consider most carefully. This is a unique type of knowledge that sets apart LDS, endowed parents.  My parents had done things right.  Despite great obstacles and against all odds, they had set their spiritual sights on the temple and had married in the temple.  Because of that wonderful decision, my parents were endowed from on high with godly, edifying, pure knowledge, which blessed them and their children every single day of their married lives.  This pure knowledge is a gift of the spirit that is based upon our faithfulness.  Our home became an extension of the temple when my parents wisely chose to marry there, and the knowledge promised to those who enter the temple filled our home.  My parents lived worthy to marry in the temple.  They allowed no unholy or impure or inappropriate thought, action, or deed to stain their lives as young adults so that they COULD marry in the temple.  Pure knowledge is not acquired from books – a providential Heavenly Father bestows it upon us for our blessing and edification.  I was a recipient of my mother’s pure knowledge as I sat under her ironing board and during all of my formative years.
• Without hypocrisy and without guile – the fact that my parents were so willing give up and disrupt a wonderful family outing is a testimony to the fact that hypocrisy and guile were far removed from their lives.

My purpose here is not to draw attention to my parents.  My parents are not unique.  All of you have probably had similar experiences with your own parents. I simply want to emphasize the principle of spiritual preparedness for parenting that devoted parents displayed.  May I share with you another example from my own life of these divine principles?

During my sophomore year in high school, I worked as a bagger at a Reams grocery store.  One day just before I was to leave for work, I initiated a verbal confrontation with my mother over some trivial problem.  I made some unkind remarks to my mother and left for work.  My father returned from work not long thereafter and found my mother weeping at our dinner table over the unkind way that I had treated her.  He promptly got back in the car and drove to Reams.  As I saw my dad walk through the doors of the store, my heart and stomach sunk approximately down to the level of my navel.  I was frozen in place.  I was 6’3” tall as a sophomore, and my father was 5’10”, but I have never felt smaller than I did at that moment.  I knew why he had come.

My father calmly asked me if he could speak with me briefly outside the store.  When we were alone, he said the following:  “Michael, I thought you should know that when I arrived home from work I found your mother crying, distressed over what you said to her and the way in which you said it.  I think you know, Michael, how much I love your mother.  I am SO very disappointed in you, son.  I hope that you will never treat your mother in this manner again.”  He wished me well, turned, and left.

I can promise you, dear friends, that no physical punishment of any form could have made me feel worse than those few words of my father.  A physical thrashing would have hurt less.  I had disappointed my dad, and I had offended my mother.

But setting the specifics aside and focusing on the principles involved, how grateful was I then and now that I had a father who handled this situation as he did?  Many fathers would have handled this very differently, including the father who is speaking to you now.  Once again, why did my father act in this Christ-like manner?  He didn’t read a parenting manual; he hadn’t attended anger-management classes.  The traits exhibited in this encounter with his son were forged over years of loyal devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I was again the beneficiary of my father’s attitudes and conduct when he was a young man and a young adult preparing for marriage.  These traits didn’t magically appear when he married my mother.  They certainly were refined, but he laid the foundation for his role as husband and father before he became a husband and a father, and I commend that course of action to you.

The scriptures are replete with examples of faithful parents whose influence upon the lives of their children began before they had children.

• Jacob, the brother of Nephi, is my first example. Enos, Jacob’s son, gives us a glimpse of Jacob’s wonderful parental influence as he recounts his life-changing experience during a hunting expedition.  “Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests, and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart.  And my soul hungered…”  Why did his soul hunger?  He was thinking about the words of his father!  And what were those words?  What did Jacob teach his children?  He taught them about eternal life.  Eternal life is God’s life.  He taught them of God.  Eternal life is exaltation.  Exaltation comes in and through Jesus Christ.  He taught them of Jesus.  He taught them concerning the joy of the saints.  Thus, Jacob spoke of the happiness found in keeping the commandments.  How frequently did Jacob teach his children of such things?  Enos said he had OFTEN heard these words from his father.  Can you imagine the FHEs held in that family circle?  And now to my point.  Where, when, and how did Jacob gain such wonderful spiritual, parental skills, which had such a powerful impact on his son?  As a boy, as a youth, as a young man.  He listened to and obeyed his father, and gained his own personal witness of things spiritual.  He brought this righteousness with him into his marriage, and blessed the lives of his family thereby.  Speaking of eternal life and the joy of the saints to his children was comfortable and natural for Jacob because he had experienced, felt, and tasted of divine principles before he was a parent.
• Alma the younger speaks of his father’s righteous influence. As he recounts in vivid detail his painful repentance process, Alma tells us what it was that initiated his spiritual recovery.  He said, “And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.”  The teaching of his father concerning the Savior was the difference.  Spiritual parenting for Alma the elder was very natural.  He was comfortable with things of the spirit.  It is easy to overlook the important phrase, “…I heard my father prophesy to the people…”  Alma apparently made sure that his son was with him when he taught the people.  I am quite sure that Alma the elder considered his own son as the most important person in the many congregations that he taught.  His son was his home teaching companion.  Can we imagine the powerful sermons the younger Alma heard his father deliver in these settings?  Returning to my theme, Alma senior was an influential and dynamic parent because he was a devoted disciple of the Savior, and his determination and commitment was forged long before Alma his son come on the scene.
• And now, listen to the words of Alma the younger as he speaks to his own son, Helaman. “And Alma came unto his son Helaman and said, ‘Believest thou the words which I spake unto thee concerning the records which have been kept? And Helaman said unto him, Yea, I believe.  And Alma said again: Believest thou in Jesus Christ, who shall come?  And he said, Yea, I believe all that words which thou hast spoken.  And Alma said unto him again: Will you keep the commandments with all your heart?  And he said: Yea, I will keep the commandments with all my heart.  Then Alma said unto him, Blessed art thou, and the Lord shall prosper thee in this land.”  Had Alma learned the value of righteous example from his parents?  Did he have a testimony of teaching his sons as his father had taught him?  Did you notice Alma’s emphasis?  Do you believe in the records which have been kept?  Love and live by the scriptures, son.  Do you believe in Jesus Christ who will come?  Jesus is our redeemer and savior, my son.  Will you keep the commandments?  True joy and happiness come only in and through the obedience to God’s will, my son.  Blessed art thou, Helaman.  I love you and your Heavenly Father loves you, my son.  The Lord will prosper thee in this land.  My son, I bear you my testimony of the blessed and happy state which awaits those who keep the commandments of God.

I could cite many other examples from the scriptures.  Nephi desiring to see the things which his father had seen.  The stripling Ammonites warriors learning of the Savior at their mothers’ knees.  What again is the powerful truth taught from these scriptural examples?  Insightful, wise parents were insightful wise individuals before they were parents.

Many years ago President David O. McKay said the following: “Parents, children are more greatly influenced by sermons you ACT than by sermons you preach.”  Once again, “Children are most greatly influenced by sermons you act than by sermons you preach.”  May I share with you two wonderful examples of this principle?

My father served as bishop of our ward in Reno as I grew up.  He gave my mother the assignment of providing the bread for our Sacrament services every Sunday.  Vivid in my memory is the wonderful recollection of a special event that I witnessed every Saturday night during those years.  My mother would lay out the two loaves of fresh white bread that would be used the next day for the sacrament.  First, she would remove and discard the two end pieces, and then with a long sharp knife she would carefully cut off all the crust from the loaves, leaving two loaves of completely white bread, devoid of any brown coloration from the crust.  Why did she do this?  This was the Lord’s bread, the emblem of his body.  My mother would not have brown crusts to represent the pure body of Christ.  His body would be represented symbolically by white bread only.

I have no recollection of my mother giving me a sermon on the importance of the sacrament.  She didn’t need to.  I knew how much she loved the Lord, how seriously she considered the sacred ordinance of the sacrament solely by watching her face as she reverently removed the crust each week.  I was influenced by the sermon she acted, not by a lengthy sermon she preached.  Why did my mother do this?  Did she say to herself, ‘Here is a great opportunity to impress my children.’  Of course not, nor did she get the idea from a book.  This reverence for the sacrament was a fruit of righteous seeds planted long before I was her son.

I need to add parenthetically that I am in no way suggesting that we are inappropriate in our use of crusted bread for the sacrament.  I am not being critical in any way.  This story, however, teaches a beautiful principle of parenting by example and by precept.

Another example:  Elder Neal A. Maxwell’s father was a ward clerk for many years, including Elder Maxwell’s teenaged years.  Every Sunday night, Elder Maxwell’s father would bring home the tithing donation money which had been received by the bishopric that day, and he would carefully iron the bills that had been contributed.  The ones, the fives, the tens, etc. would be laid out on a firm surface, covered with a piece of cloth, and meticulously ironed with an iron in order to remove all wrinkles and folds and to make the bills crisp and new-looking.  This was the Lord’s sacred tithing money, and Elder Maxwell’s father wanted it to be an acceptable offering to the Lord.  It needed to look like the Lord’s money.

Do you think that Elder Maxwell needed to hear a sermon from his father about the importance of tithing?  He knew exactly how his father felt about tithing simply by observing the care he gave to the Lord’s funds.  Where did Elder Maxwell’s father get the idea to iron tithing money?  From a book?  From the church handbook of instructions?  No, from his heart, from a lifetime of devotion to God.

Now, what will your future children learn as they watch you?  What are my children learning as they watch me day to day?  How I pray that we can all realize more fully that what we are doing right now, today, this week, this month, is playing a role in determining the type of parent we will someday be and the type of example we will set.

May I mention some specific examples for our consideration?

• What is our attitude toward FHE right now? Observing FHE dutifully is a commandment given to us through prophets. If we are casual now concerning FHE participation, isn’t it possible that we might carry that casual attitude into marriage?  I can promise you, my wonderful friends, that nothing magical happens when we marry that removes our weaknesses and replaces them with godly attributes.  If anything, greater diligence and attentiveness are required.  The Lord has told us that “…this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God…”   I think we could also say “…now is the time for young single adults to develop and foster the proper feelings, loves, traits, and habits that they would want their children to emulate”.   Today, now.  FHE is just one example.
• Tithing? If we are casual or lax in the payment of tithes now, that attitude could also be carried into a marriage. If tithing is not a priority now, in might not be a priority then.  However, if your testimony of tithing now is strong and undeviating now, you will carry that devotion with you into marriage, and your children will KNOW of your commitment to God and his prophets.  Can I boast about Sister Taylor for just a moment?  For many years now, my wife has led our children in a Saturday night ritual conducted around our dining table on the Saturday evening before each Fast Sunday.  She helps our children lay out their tithing envelopes, donations slips, and money in order that they are ready to pay their tithing on Fast Sunday.  Even when our children were small and their donations were a penny or a nickel, they learned of the importance of this divine principle, largely because of the teaching of their mother.  She believes in the scripture, “Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
• Love of the scriptures: Is our scripture reading a passing thought each day, a task to be addressed if time permits? Or is it a top priority, a necessity, with a realization that this great opportunity sets the tone for our entire day and for all that we do in that day? Will your future children be blessed as they learn the gospel of Christ from you as you read scriptures together and hear your inspired interpretation of the divine principles contained therein?  Will they hear you bear witness of the significant role that the scriptures played in your life on your mission, before you were married, when you were a student?
• The temple: Is the temple of vital importance to us now? Do we have a current temple recommend?  Are we worthy of the recommends that we hold?  Do we attend the temple out of love for God, not to simply fill an assignment?  Do we thirst for the wisdom and inspiration available only in the temple?  Will our children know of our commitment to the temple?
• Many other important areas could be mentioned, such as missionary work, service, gospel scholarship. I would like to mention one area specifically, that of Sabbath day observance
• I grew up in a home where we watched sports on TV on Sunday afternoon. My father and I were not fanatical about this, but we watched our share of Sunday sports. I still had this habit as a YSA and when I was married.  My wife was raised in a home in which there was no sports TV on Sundays.  Can you predict how this story is going to end?  I am still not sure how my wife did it, but within a short period of time following our marriage, there was no TV sports on Sunday in our home.  I remember no stern lectures, no criticism, no arguments.  Quietly and subtly and gently, my wife caused a change of attitude and behavior in our home and in me.  Improper actions were replaced by appropriate, edifying actions on the Sabbath.  This new habit was formed before our children were old enough to appreciate the positive change, but our home has been blessed beyond measure because Sister Taylor brought to our marriage a wonderful commitment to Sabbath observance and many other gospel principles.  These behaviors and attitudes were formed in her home, by personal spiritual religious experiences, long before we were married.

Will you do the same?  Please give this important area of your life careful and prayerful consideration.  Every one of your prayers should include thoughts similar to this:  “Heavenly Father, my number one goal is to be married in the temple to a wonderful spiritual person who shares my love for Thee and for the Savior.  Help me now to become that type of person myself, and to eliminate from my life any influence or practice that would divert me from this goal.  We need to give as much emphasis to BECOMING the right person as we do to FINDING the right person.

Dear friends, right now you are laying the foundation for your marriage and for the role of parent.  Are you satisfied with the foundation you have?  Is it a firm foundation, resting on a bedrock of granite, or is it a foundation with some sand in it?  Your future spouses will look to you for a firm commitment to the gospel, for devotion to every precept and commandment of the Lord, for supreme loyalty to the Lord’s kingdom.  If your commitment, devotion, and loyalty are firm now, remain firm, keep your hand on the iron rod, draw upon the great examples that you have had in your life.  Remember that you will soon be the one looked to as an example and as one to be emulated.  Be worthy of that honor.

If changes need to be made in your life to reach that level of commitment, start working now.  The Lord expects nothing less.  Be assured that any unsavory, inappropriate, or unworthy involvement or activity NOW could have a major negative impact on you as a spouse and parent. We should be satisfied with nothing less than absolute adherence to every principle of goodness and righteousness.  The seeds that we are sowing right now will bear fruit in the near or distant future.  Rather these seeds grow weeds or beautiful flowers depends on our choices right NOW.  As Alma suggests, we should plant good seeds, seeds of faith, devotion, and spirituality.  Develop now the traits that will serve you well in your marriage, as a spouse and parent.

I would like to paint a mental picture for all of you.  Picture yourself in the months or years to come kneeling at a sacred temple altar, across from a sweet worthy partner with whom you are deeply in love, making sacred covenants to that partner and to the Lord.  Can you imagine how you will feel?  Can you imagine the eternal rewards that will flow from such a goal?  Keep this picture in your mind every day, and determine that nothing will divert you from attaining this spiritual pinnacle in your life.  I have had this experience and with my daughter and her husband.  You have all witnessed this blessing in the lives of family members and friends. There is no price to great to pay to bring this goal to pass.

I have also had the opportunity of looking into the innocent faces of our little babies, our six children as they came to our family, and being OVERCOME by the responsibility that rested upon my wife and myself to raise these children as the Lord would have us raise them, to be the example I should be.  How grateful I was for the wonderful example of my parents in my life and my wife’s parents in her life.  Now is the time to prepare for those wonderful times to come.

“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned, by kindness and pure knowledge…let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly, and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.  The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth..”

I love you; I support you, and pray for your spiritual health.  This is the kingdom of God on the earth.